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[ Sunday
Jun 14th 2009] |
Please click on the ads on my blog! DON'T BUY ANYTHING! But just click on them....it pays me money, and I'm seriously not kidding. Nor is this spam. Please do it, and please return and do it again, the ads change. And follow the blog too, I will seriously update it with quotes! Thanks everyone, you all are the best!
http://sarahbear07.blogspot.com
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| Letter #1 |
[ Thursday
May 21st 2009] |
Dear Gregg,
I admit it, I did cry after I dropped you back off at the hotel Tuesday night. I guess I didn't think I was going to because I already barely ever see you and hadn't in almost a year. But this was different, as much as I didn't think it would be. But you are so much farther away now, and will be even farther. Plus, like you said, it will be like you disappeared. And I don't like that. Not at all. I never have wanted you out of my life, and now it seems like its happening when I really don't want it to. I know alot has happened between us, but I still consider you a good friend, we have been through too much together for that not to be the case. And I still love you, just in a different way now, as friends. (I'll leave the other kind of love to Jess!) And you know me, of course I am worried too. I can't even imagine all that you are going through and are going to. And of course everything else there is to worry about.
Ok, I know what you are thinking, enough of that kind of stuff lol. Let's see...whats new here? Well I had an interview for a job yesterday, and I got one of the positions. It's a bit of a sketchy place though, so I don't know how it's going to work out, but hey I need some money, so for now I guess it'll work. Dan and Mike are getting ready for their show on Sunday, and thats wicked exciting! Mike is still working on trying to get me in to see the show, and I so hope it will work out! I don't want to miss their first show, that's for sure. Poor Mel has to work though, I feel so bad for her. What else? I have to get my wisdom teeth out and I'm not excited. I don't do well at the dentist and I'm scared to death of surgery even though this is like the smallest thing. But you know me, anxiety IS my middle name.
I guess that's all thats really new for now, since I just saw/talked to you on Tuesday night. But I didn't want to wait til I had a bunch of news to write you, because that could take forever. I hope you're doing well and adjusting as well as you can be. Take care Gregg, I'm thinking of you.
Love always,
Sarah
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| 30 Random Things |
[ Saturday
Feb 7th 2009] |
1.) Family has become more important to me as I have grown older. Sure, there are ups and downs in any family, but they are the ones that are always there. Whether it be immediate or distant family, you know there are always people who care about you.
2.) I never expected my life to be where it is right now. I never excepted to be engaged and living in an apartment with my fiance by my sophomore year of college. But honestly, I wouldn't trade it for the world. This may sound cliche, but what Dan and I have is special. And I don't know where I would be right now without it.
3.) My friends also mean the world to me. I have learned over the past few months who my true friends are, and I cherish them more then anything. I may not talk to you all the time, or see you that often, but you all still mean the world to me, and without you all I would be nothing.
4.) I am such an animal lover. I always knew I loved animals, but I realized it even more when we took in a stay cat that I just couldn't part with. We now have two cats. A kitten named Adie and about a 2 year old named Mr Wallace. I'm so glad to have animals now, my life was so incomplete without them when I lived in the dorms.
5.) I have severe anxiety. I tend to freak out way too easily. Yes, I do realize it, believe it or not. And I'm trying my best to control it...I just wish it was as easy as it may sound. But I am getting help for myself, and I feel like that's the best I can do right now. Hopefully, it will improve.
6.) While we are on the subject of health, I also have fibromyalgia. It affects my life more then it should, and I am working every day on trying to manage it better and live my life the absolute best way I can with it. While it definitely limits me from some things, I am learning to try and not let it control me or my life. I have my good days and bad days, but after all, don't we all?
7.) I love music. Music runs my life, what can I say? If you ask me what kind of music I like though, I wouldn't know how to answer you. I don't like specific genres, artists, etc. I always judge by the individual song. I don't care how it "rates" or where it falls in categories. If I like the song, I like it because of what it is.
8.) I never used to care what was going on in the world, unless it affected me directly. I've recently gotten much better with that, and actually read the news on occasion, and even voted this past year. I am finally starting to realize the importance of being involved in the world I live in.
9.) I'm a big believer in helping with causes. There are many wonderful causes out there that need alot of help. I will always try to help in any way that I can, even if it's not monetary. Every bit of help makes a difference, and I like knowing that I am doing at least SOMETHING.
10.) Speaking of which, I love to give blood and get sad whenever I am rejected due to pulse or blood pressure or whatever. I feel like that is something I can truly to give back, and I know people who have needed it before, so it makes it even more personal for me.
11.) As much as I care about people, I am really bad at keeping in touch. I have no idea why. It's not like I don't want to talk to these people, its just that I'm horrible at it. Call me. Text me. Write on my facebook wall, I promise I will answer. But for some reason I'm SO bad at initiating it.
12.) And not only do I care about people, I always want to help. Some people say I care too much, but I just always feel this need to help people and help them make things be ok. That being said, if you ever need anyone, I promise I'm always here.
13.) I really want to travel the world someday. I wish I could go everywhere. I don't know if that will ever happen or not, but it's what I want. So far I've only make it to Canada and Mexico, but that's a start, right?
14.) I'm a people person. I love to talk, and have heard that I'm a good listener as well. I love learning about people and just having meaningful or even duller conversations with them. I find other people so fascinating.
15.) I can speak a bit of Spanish, as I took it for 2 1/2 years in High School and went to Mexico for 2 weeks and lived with a host family there. I want to take more Spanish here in college so I can learn to speak it at least somewhat fluently.
16.) I like to be comfortable. I will dress up if its for fun or if it is required for some reason, but otherwise I just like hanging out and being comfortable. My sweatpants/pajamas from AE and VS are the best and I would wear them forever if I could.
17. I love pictures. Taking them, being in them, looking at them, etc. I believe pictures are a wonderful way to capture moments and have them live on. Things change, people change, but the pictures are always there.
18. I can't sing worth anything, although apparently its not quite as bad as I thought. But anyways, just because I can't do it, it doesn't mean I won't on some occasions. I have to be pretty comfortable with who I'm with first though.
19. I can't make chocolate chip cookies for the life of me. Can you guess why? Simple. Because I'm a HUGE fan of chocolate chip cookie dough and usually get distracted because I'm eating the dough.
20. Speaking of which, I love chocolate. Call me crazy, but chocolate just has this way of making everything better. That and ice cream. Chocolate ice cream is amazing, and a chocolate milkshake just rules all together.
21. Facebook is seriously my addiction. I need to check it like wayyy too often. It's almost unhealthy. But I'm not TOO bad I suppose, because I can pry myself away from it when I need to.
22. I hate drama, which is ironic in a way because I used to be right in the middle of some serious drama. But I'm done. I'm so over it. Life is too short to deal with that all the time.
23. I love quotes and could even say I'm addicted to them too. I love trying to find ones that fit my life, or ones that I want to try to live by, or ones that are just funny and make my day better. I also love the bumper stickers application on facebook for that very reason.
24. I'm a psychology major and I love my psych classes. I can't wait to actually get deeper into it, and what I really can't wait for is working with people. My goal with my career is to help as many people as I possibly can. And I feel like it will work out. Hopefully.
25. I've never been a huge fan of school, except for maybe when I was younger. I'm just doing my best to try to get through it, so I can do what I really want to do with my life. I realize I need the education, I just wish there was some easier way to do it.
26. I have never actually dyed my hair. Yes the red is natural. I have gotten it highlighted several times though, and do keep planning on continuing that at least periodically throughout my life. Nothing wrong with a bit unnatural, right?
27. I have two piercings in each ear and my cartilage pierced in each ear as well. I got my cartilages done when I was going through a rough time...but I love them now and plan on keeping them. I also think I'm gonna stop there. I think that's enough for me.
28. I think that going on random trips to Denny's at like 3am is one of the funnest things ever to do. I can't even begin to describe it, it's just so interesting and entertaining. And the other night, it was that entertaining around 1am too....
29. I love living in Portland. I'm not smack in the middle of it, so its nice, and its such an improvement from Downeast Maine. Don't get me wrong, I do love where I'm from, but there is so much more to do down here and its just easier to get to things in general.
30. Life sure is an interesting journey, but I'm starting to enjoy it more and more every day.
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[ Monday
Dec 29th 2008] |
Wow, I just realized that I haven't written a real note on here since July. That last note that I wrote was called, "Learning to breathe with no air" and was written after Gregg and I broke up, which was truly a hard time for me. It was a messy break-up in alot of ways, which made it all harder. More shit went down in August, but I won't bother mentioning it here, because most people already know what happened, and those who don't, well, they don't need to.
And as for Gregg and Jess, you two are both amazing people, and I hope things work out for you both. Gregg, I'll always care about you and love you, but its in a different way now, just as a friend. And I want you both to know that thats all it is. I really do wish the best for you both, and hope that you will be happy together.
Anyways, unfortunately alot of shit and drama went down with my group of friends, and its sad to say that things have changed immensely with us. I'm not pointing fingers either way here, but I will say that I am sorry for any part of it that was my fault, and I do still care about you all and hope things are going well for you. Sometimes, change, however hard, is for the best.
I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, which I struggle with everyday. It makes me feel sick and tired more often, plus some days there is alot of pain. I am, however, doing my best to live my life the best that I possibly can, and think thats all I really can do.
I've recently learned who my true friends are, and I thank each and every one of you for being there for me through everything. You all are the best and I don't know what I would do without you. I'm so incredibly thankful for all of you.
I'm excited for this new year. I'm engaged to the one I love, and we have our own apartment. We are working on building our lives together, and I'm so excited for it.
My life isn't perfect, but it's getting better. :)
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| Learning To Breathe With No Air |
[ Saturday
Jul 26th 2008] |
You know the song "No Air" by Jordin Sparks? Well, thats how my life has been the past couple of weeks. However, I am now learning to breathe with no air.
Not only has my heart been broken yet again, but my whole world changed. I was thrown for a loop, not expecting this one bit. I felt so many emotions at once, and didn't know how to deal with any of it. My mind kept playing the what ifs, and I kept wondering what was wrong with me, or what I did wrong. I felt useless. I felt like I didn't matter, and like I wasn't worth anything. I felt incomplete, and not knowing what to do with myself.
Just because you love someone with all of your heart, it doesn't mean that they feel the same, even if they say they do. Promises can be broken as quickly and easily as they are made. People's emotions/feelings can change at the blink of an eye. And no matter how much someone tells you that things are ok, and that you are not losing them, it can all change in a second.
I have spent many days and nights crying over him. My friends tell me I should hate him because of all he has done to me, but I can't bring myself to do that. I just can't. I still love him, and would love nothing more then to be together with him once again. If he was to come back, I would give him one last chance, because I still believe we are meant to be together.
But I have decided, that I am not going to sit around and wait. If another opportunity comes along, I'm gonna take it. After all, isn't that what he is doing? And besides, if it's meant to be, it'll happen, right?
And in the meantime, I'm gonna live my life for ME. It's not gonna be easy for me to do this, but I am going to work on it, with the help of my amazing friends.
And that's what I call "learning to breathe with no air."
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| What You've Done |
[ Monday
May 19th 2008] |
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Words can't even describe it. My emotions can't even describe it. You are a manipulative person who uses people to get what you want, and once you are done with that, you hurt them. What gives you the right to destroy people's lives like you do? What makes you think you deserve that sort of power? What kind of indecent person are you? It's sad that I feel like I have to be nice to you so I don't get on your bad side because I'm afraid of what you'll do if that happens. Not only is that sad, it's plain 'ol scary. You have the ability to ruin parts of my life, and you know that, and use it against me all the time. And then you try to break up my boyfriend and I, saying that I'd be happier with you. You just want to use me. But guess what? My boyfriend and my love is stronger then your accusations, assumptions, and opinions. No matter how hard you try, you are not going to come between us. And one of these days, I will work up the courage to tell you how I really feel, and will stop letting you have this power over me, because to be honest with you, you don't deserve it, not one bit. In fact, you deserve to be told what kind of person you really are, and to get a taste of your own medicine. However, I will not go that far, but one day, I will destroy the power that you have.
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[ Tuesday
Apr 29th 2008] |
That line is so true. People really aren't fair to one another. We all hurt each other, get in each others' business, make things difficult for others, etc. Why do we all do this? Is it just human nature? Or is it something we learn to do? No matter what it is, it just isn't right.
I have learned this so much over the past couple of weeks. I'm tired of living my life to make others happy. I'm tired of people getting into my business. I'm tired of being so nice and then being walked all over. I'm so done with it.
Please don't get into my business and try to make things difficult for me. It's pretty bad when I literally have to keep things from people so that they don't cause trouble and such. Why does it have to be that way? If you ask me, it's really quite sad. I should be able to live my life, without having to worry about everyone else messing it up.
And if I'm nice to you, go with it. I'm generally a nice person. And if I help you out or something, I don't expect gratitude or anything, but respect would be nice. I really don't see that as being too much to ask.
Ok. I'm done. Just some random thoughts.
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[ Monday
Apr 7th 2008] |
Life is full of ups and downs.
Spending time with my loves is an up.
My "niece" is an up.
All of our fun adventures are an up.
Drama is a down.
Stress is a down.
Emotional breakdowns are a down.
This past week has had many adventures.
Dinner and shopping in Old Port.
Creepy guy at the bus stop.
The sex shop.
Many games of pool.
That bitchy lady.
Disney movies.
Hooka Bar.
Chinese buffet.
Spending $50 at the Dollar Store for decorations.
Spending 3 hours trying to name Hazel.
Back messaging freakiness.
Road trips and amazing music.
Buying dresses at Goodwill.
There's also been alot of drama.
But we are all strong.
We will make it through all of this shit.
And we will all be stronger because of it.
I've been overwhelmed lately myself.
But I will make it through.
We all will.
Together.
Without my friends, I have no idea where I'd be.
I love you all.
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[ Thursday
Mar 20th 2008] |
Life has been so interesting lately.
I'm incredibly overwhelmed.
I've done some things I'm not so proud of.
But I'm working on it.
I need a vacation.
Just to get away from everything.
And most of all, I just need something GOOD to happen.
Enough with all of this bad stuff.
Just something good.
I miss him.
I shouldn't, but I do.
I think I miss our closeness more then anything though.
A real friendship would be nice.
I'm behind in classes.
All I ever seem to do is sleep.
Getting out of bed is so difficult for me.
I think some of it is physical too though.
Hopefully the doctor will figure it out.
I'm glad next week is break.
I need it so much.
I need(ed) an intervention.
Thank God Jackie was there for me tonight.
She's amazing and I love her.
I do have pretty amazing friends.
I miss Nicole.
I wish she didn't have to leave so soon.
But I can't wait until next month when my wife comes to visit me!
I desperately need to go to sleep.
Goodnight.
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[ Thursday
Feb 14th 2008] |
Well, here it is. Valentine's Day. What was supposed to be a special day for us, especially as it was supposed to be our 3 month anniversary. Do you remember when we first figured that out and how cute it was? Do you remember when we argued over the fact that you had basketball that night, but how we made up like we always did? Do you remember how we hung up the phone that night, by saying "I love you and I'm in love with you?" Do you remember how you felt at the time? Do you remember when we gazed into each other's eyes and felt the love between us? Do you remember holding hands as we walked across campus? Do you remember all of our silly little arguments and how we always made up all the same? I remember all of this, and it pains me.
It's been almost 3 weeks since we broke up, and yet I'm still not over you. I loved you with all of my heart, and as much as I don't want to sometimes, I still love you now. And it kills me to know that you no longer love me. I can't help but reminisce about all of our time together, all of our phone calls, and just the happiness I felt because I was with you. I think about all the things we said to each other, all the hugs, all the kisses, the cuddling, and just time being together. Where did that all go? How can it just be lost? I don't think I will ever really understand.
I never expected you to break my heart. I expected us being together for quite some time, and you had said you did too. What happened to that? Where did it all go? I know things change, but I never expected it to change this drastically. There are times when I don't even accept that its over. I still cry because I miss you so much. There are times when I think I have moved on, at least a little, but then someone says something, or I see something, and it reminds me of you, and I get sad again.
There is so much going on my life, and I need you more then ever. You say we can still be friends, and that you'll still be there for me, and as much as I want that, and appreciate it, its hard for me. So many times I have went to im you and just couldn't do it. It hurts to talk to you, it's like a tease of what I once had. My nights are empty and lonely without talking to you before I go to bed. My world used to stop because you were going to call me, and now, I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like such a huge part of my life is missing, and I don't know what to do about it. I try to keep myself busy, and it works sometimes, but when I'm laying in bed at night, all I think about is you.
I know you wouldn't want me to be hanging on as much as I am, and I'm trying not to, I really am. It's just so much harder then I ever thought it would be. It's my hardest break-up yet. I have never had it hurt this much before. I felt more with you then I ever have before, and losing that, has literally broken my heart. I have to keep telling myself that it really is over, and I have to keep telling myself that there is nothing I can do about it, even though I would do anything to change that fact. I will be ok, it just takes time. I will make it through, and I know that, even though sometimes it really doesn't feel like it. I just truly hope that one day I will be held and loved and love like I did/was with you.
This Valentine's Day, my present to you is this: I will try even harder to move on, and stop dwelling. I will try my best to talk to you as a friend and nothing else. And most of all, I will try to stop being so hard on you about this. I love you, and I always will, just maybe someday I'll love you in a different way.
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you
If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything I do
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[ Tuesday
Dec 18th 2007] |
Ok, seriously people, you all need to stop running my life. It's MY life. Yes I know I'm not perfect and yes I know I make mistakes...but everyone does. You do. I do. We all do. Giving advice to me and helping me with things, thats one thing, and honestly, I appreciate it. But don't make the decisions for me. I am a big girl. I can handle it. I might make mistakes but I'll learn from them. Believe it or not, I am capable. And please don't bitch at me afterwards. If I make the wrong decision or do the wrong thing, I know that. And maybe even telling me once is ok, but seriously, don't sit there and bitch at me for it. Do you honestly think that I don't realize it? Do you really think that I am that numb? I have issues and I know that, but I've made it through it alot, I can make it through more. I'm not perfect. But no one is. So please stop trying to make it seem like I should be and then bitch at me when I'm not.
And also, people need to learn to stay out of my business. Like seriously, you might not agree with anything and everything that I do, but again, I'm not perfect. If you want to try to help, thats one thing. But hurting me and making me feel bad about things doesn't cut it. And you know what? I'm capable of taking care of myself. Yes I need help and support, everyone does. But there really can be a fine line. Don't sit there and tell me everything I'm doing is wrong. Don't get mad at me for my choices. They might be right or wrong, but what you gotta remember is that even if they are wrong in your eyes, it doesnt mean that they are actually wrong. If you are true friends, you will support me through my choices, not make me feel bad about it. Please just keep that in mind. That's really all I ask.
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[ Monday
Dec 3rd 2007] |
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Ahh I must continue my last note. So much has happened since then. I'm gonna start from where I left off though, just to be complete.
So I went to Joanne's funeral that Thursday. It was even harder then I had imagined. I was actually doing ok until I saw Emmy and gave her a hug. She's so young, she doesn't understand, all she knows is that her grandmother is gone. It nearly broke my heart, it really did. And seeing Les too, it was all just incredibly hard.
To make matters even worse, when my mom came to pick me up for that funeral, she told me she had some news for me. The look on her face told me that it wasn't good news. She then proceded to tell me that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I was in shock. I didn't know what to say or what to think. I was scared, and honestly didn't know how to react. Luckily, it is only stage 1, and the prognosis is good, but its still really scary.
I was kinda in a daze for a bit after that. Everything was just going wrong in my life and I didn't know what to do about it. So much had happened, and so much was happening, that I just felt lost, confused, and sorta depressed. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing, I was just going through the motions of everyday stuff.
It had always been tradition to go to UNE for people's birthdays and such, but due to alot of different circumstances, I didn't make it there for Gregg's birthday. I felt really bad about it, and then proceded to im him and apologize and talk to him and such. We started talking alot, as in like for hours a night. He always had this incredible way of making me feel better, and just making things better in general. That following Monday, I decided to go to UNE for the first time since Chris and I broke up. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I was over Chris, and that I could deal with/get past the awkwardness. Not to mention the fact that I did want to see Gregg. It was incredibly awkward at first, but things did get alot better. I spent time with Gregg, and it was great.
When I got back to USM that night, we talked online for quite some time, we confessed that we liked each other. Two days later, we officially became a couple. I was (and still am) incredibly happy. He has shown me what it is really like to be in a relationship, and he truly loves me and cares about me, just as I truly love and care about him. He has made everything feel so much better, and has made even the horrible things easier to deal with. The time we have together is truly the best time ever. Whenever I am in his arms, I feel like things are perfect and that everything is just going to be ok. It's such an amazing feeling, it really is.
As for other things going on, today is kinda a hard day for me. It's Cyndy's birthday. And I miss her more then anything in this world. I keep feeling like she's still here. I keep feeling like I should be calling her to wish her a happy birthday, to see how she's feeling, etc. Would you believe that she is still in my contacts on my cell phone? Everytime I go to delete it out of there, I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel like so much crap wouldn't have gone on if she was still here. I wouldn't have screwed myself over so badly this summer. She would have been there to help me out and figure things out. And I just feel like that with everything that has happened the last few months, I could use her support, help, and guidance so much. I miss her like you wouldn't believe.
This weekend, I am going home. They are doing a benefit dinner and chinese raffle for my mom on Saturday. This is great, honestly we could use the money for all of these hospital bills and such. But in alot of ways, I'm not looking forward to this either. I know its going to be emotional and going to wear me out completely. It makes it something that I really truly have to deal with. And I just don't know how I'm supposed to do that. Everyone and everything about it is going to be emotional, and I just don't know how to deal with it. And honestly, I kinda don't want to. But at the same time, I know I need to be home for this. I know it.
So its getting to be the end of the semester. That's kinda stressful in alot of ways. Finals. Oh man, I haven't taken them since my sophomore year of High School. And of course, you all know me, I'm stressing about grades. But no duh, right?
But still, on the plus side of life, I have an amazing guy now. Gregg is always there for me, and is always such a help to me. I hate that we can't be together as much as we want, and I hate that other people cause so much drama about us being together, but still, we're happy and that's all that matters. We can overcome the obstacles. I can honestly say that I don't know what I would do without him. He's amazing and I truly do love him.
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| My Life As Of Lately (as copied from facebook) |
[ Wednesday
Oct 24th 2007] |
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Ok, so I haven't really said much about all this stuff lately...because I felt like it wouldn't be fair to all the people involved and such, and because I really don't want to come across as a bitch. But I've recently decided, as of tonight really, that it doesn't matter. It's my life, it's my facebook, I can say what I want. Especially if its the truth, which it is.
So I started going to UNE with Mike. It was awesome, I met alot of cool people and made some new friends. I always enjoyed going over there, and actually spent quite alot of time there. It was alot of fun.
So I went home over Columbus Day Weekend, for the first time since I came to school. Going home was very hard for me, for numerous reasons. During this time, Chris and I started talking alot, like 6 hours a night. It was amazing. He was the best support system I could ever ask for, and I honestly don't think I would have gotten through that weekend without him. I really really don't. And somewhere in all of this, we became more then just friends.
I got back to USM on a Wednesday, and he came to visit me that night. While here, he officially asked me out, and we became a couple. I was happier then I thought I could ever be. We had this amazing connection, and I felt so incredibly lucky. We talked so much, about anything and everything. I felt like I could truly trust him, and that we could talk about anything, and honestly, we did. We talked about so much more then I usually talk about with people. It was truly amazing. He promised me that he would never hurt me, that he would always be there for me, and he would help me through my "issues." And although I can sometimes have a problem with trust, I let myself trust him, because he promised me I could.
So things went well for a while. I was so incredibly happy. I felt like it was truly the beginning of better things for me. I felt, for once, that things were really going to be ok. And he told me that they were, and like I had been doing, I believed him. That Sunday night, we went out to the movies. We had a really good time, and I absolutely loved being with him. I felt better then I had in a long time. He brought me back to USM and we hung out with Mel and Mike for awhile. He then left because he was tired. Which don't get me wrong, I did understand. He got back and texted me and said that he wasnt getting online because people were sleeping. And idk why, but he seemed off to me, and like he was short in his text and it was weird. So I asked if everything was ok. He said it was, but idk I wasn't convinced. I texted him later and said that if I did anything wrong I was sorry. He never answered me that night or the next morning, so I tried talking to him that afternoon. After we talked, I thought things were actually ok. Maybe not perfect, but at least ok.
I couldn't have been more wrong. He came over that night to bring Christina to get her computer from Mike. And he was acting all weird and such. We hung out for a bit, but it just wasn't like usual. When he got back to UNE, we talked online, and he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't like it when people think there is something wrong and there isn't, and that he didnt think we had the connection he thought we had. To be honest with you, this nearly killed me. I couldn't understand how one mistake could change so much. It just didn't make sense to me at all. I tried to explain to him what happened and why I felt that way and how sorry I was and how I would try to be better, etc. But it didn't work. He told me though that he wasn't breaking any of his promises, that he wasn't going anywhere, and that he would still help me. I didn't know whether to believe him or not, since I felt like he had already broken promises, but I decided to give it a try. I was wicked upset though, like beyond the point of upset. I left my room, and went down to the lounge where I completely lost it. As I was walking back to my room, my RA, Michol, saw me and asked me if I was ok. At that point, I lost it all over again. To say it wasn't a good night, would be a complete understatement.
The next day, I was still pretty much a wreck. I didn't go to class, and pretty much stayed in bed. Ann came to visit me, as she was having some issues of her own. We decided to go out to dinner, as it was something we both needed. While we were at dinner, my dad called me. Joanne, who I had become wicked close to since the accident, had died. She was like another grandmother to me. It was so upsetting to me to learn of this. I was pretty much in denial too, like I didn't even WANT to believe it. But I knew I had to.
On Wednesday night, Chris and I talked for the first time since the breakup. We both talked about how we felt, and I could see how much it differed. I didn't even know what to think, and actually I still don't. All I want is his friendship back, which he said we would have, but it hasnt happened yet.
I went to Rumford with Ann over the weekend. It was really good for me to get away and such. I won't say it made things perfect, but it def made them better. However, while I was there, I got a phone call that one of my friends' houses had burnt down, and the Happy Crab had had a fire as well. It was actually kinda scary to think about. While I was there, I sent Chris a message telling him that I was over the relationship, but what I really wanted was his friendship back.
So I came back to USM and things just seemed to go downhill once again. I was super stressed about absolutely everything, and just felt like I couldnt handle things. There had been 4 deaths of people I personally knew, and 2 more who I just knew who they were. There had been 2 fires. And of course the whole thing with Chris. Last night I felt like I was going to burst, and went to find Michol. We talked for awhile, and then she got her friend Ryan, who is another RA, to come talk as well. I felt a bit better after that, but still not that great. I came back and sent Chris a message, telling him that he had always been an amazing support, and that I needed that right now, as friends. I told him that if he thought it was too soon, I would respect that, but I just needed to know his opinion. He never answered me.
So today, Michol had me to talk to our RD, Beth. It felt good to talk to her too, and then she referred me to counseling, which I have an appointment for on Friday. Chris came online tonight. I asked him if he got my facebook message and what he thought of it. He said he didnt care one way or another. That kinda shocked me. He said he didnt mean it quite that way, but still. Then I told him that I thought I should leave him alone cuz it seems like that's what he'd rather, and he was just like, ok. I then told him that he was wrong, that he has left, that he isn't still there for me, and that promises had been broken. I then told him to have a good night. He never answered me, just went away. That upset me. All I want right now, is his friendship, and his support, and it seems like I can't even get that. And unfortunately, I need it now more then ever.
To top it all off, I have to go to Joanne's funeral on Thursday, which is something I don't know if I can handle. Its gonna be too hard. To see Les, to see everyone, and just blah. I know I'm gonna lose it. I'm not good with funerals, and I'm just not prepared for another one. I don't think I can handle this. I really don't. And I'm super stressed out with school and such, because things just arent going the way I need them too, and I've been sick and idk. I just feel way overwhelmed with everything, and honestly, I don't know what to do about it.
So yeah, thats been my life lately. Nice, eh?
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[ Tuesday
Oct 16th 2007] |
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Screw that.
I hate guys.
And myself.
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[ Thursday
Oct 4th 2007] |
So I've met this guy.
I like him, and he seems to like me.
I really hope this goes somewhere.
Hmmm.
Real update soon.
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[ Tuesday
Aug 21st 2007] |
I have 2 main questions for this entry.
1. Is it going to stop?
Joanne is now in critical care. Apparently things aren't looking so good. I dont know if I can take this right now. First it was Cyndy, and now its her. Joanne is such an amazing person who doesn't deserve this at all. She's such a motherly/grandmotherly person. Her and Les were the ones who helped my dad and I with the moose accident. And I've called them my angels since. She reminds me so often how glad she is we were ok, and everytime she hugs me I can truly feel that she loves me. Not that she doesn't tell me, because she does. I don't want to lose her, I really really don't.
2. Why do I keep letting myself get hurt?
I knew there was a reason I don't like to get close to people. I KNEW IT! But I keep letting myself do it all the same. And then I get hurt. Whether its either of our faults, or neither's, it doesn't matter. It still hurts me. But this time, one person I thought would never hurt me, did. I chose to to ignore what someone said, and let myself get close with Tina. And she was so amazing to me this past year. She was always there for me through everything, and she was truly a major help to me. But now look. She apparently decided not to tell me when she was in Eastport, even though I've emailed her and asked. Apparently she doesn't want to see me, apparently now that I don't "work for her" anymore, thats it. I never knew she would hurt me, but man she has.
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[ Sunday
Jul 15th 2007] |
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All of these thoughts and emotions are getting to be too much for me. They really really are. I feel like I'm going insane. And no matter how much I describe this to people, it seems as though no one truly understands. But I don't blame them, because this is seriously bordering on pathetic.
So yeah, ok. Everyone gets nervous/scared for moving into college. They feel sad to leave people and things. It's normal. And I know that. But not everyone gets it to the extent I am. I know that. And people keep telling me that too.
I just have such a problem with attachment. I get close to people, and then I get attached. And when either they or I leave, it nearly kills me. Like it hurts so much. So much more then it does most people. I'm not trying to say that other people dont feel this way sometimes too, but believe me, mine is worse then normal. People even tell me I overdo it. But its not like I'm trying to.
I watched the tape of Tina's speech that she gave at Lubec's graduation. Seeing her and listening to her made me cry. I cried the whole way through it, and then afterwards I thought of even more people/things, and I started crying more. I couldn't stop. It was ridiculous. Bordering pathetic.
And I've had this before, with Mrs. Wendley, Heather, Danae, Janice, and now Tina. And with the exception of Tina, these all took place before I graduated and such. So I know I have all of these deal with, plus the normal leaving your friends and family to go to college.
Everyone says that I'll meet new people in college, and I know they are right. But it still doesn't mean I want to leave/lose these people, I just don't. It doesn't make up for it, it just doesn't.
I'm so not doing well at dealing with all of this.
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[ Wednesday
Jun 27th 2007] |
"I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye."
-"Starts With Goodbye" by Carrie Underwood
That couldn't possibility fit the current situation more. All of these changes, all of these goodbyes, they are just too much for me to handle. I'm getting scared. I'm beginning to feel like I just can't do this. In some ways, I'm more then ready to get out of here and move on to the next step, that of college. I've always said that I can't wait to get out of here, and in alot of ways, I still mean that. But in other ways, I am just so scared. I'm scared to leave my "support system." To leave those people who have always been there for me and who have helped me through everything. These people mean the world to me, and I don't know what I am going to do without them. Everyone keeps telling me that I will meet new people and such, and I know they are right, but that still doesn't make up for it, it just doesn't. I've said "goodbye" to so many wonderful people lately, and its just too much for me to handle. I've always been bad with goodbyes, but this is just too many all at once. I'm not strong enough, I'm just not.
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[ Sunday
Jun 17th 2007] |
So I'm really beginning to not like this whole "growing up and moving on" thing.....
I can't deal with all of these goodbyes and all these changes.
There's just too many all at once.
I can't do it.
I'll explain it all later....I'm too exhausted right now...both mentally and physically.
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| Letter To You |
[ Saturday
Jun 9th 2007] |
&& Sometimes, in the end, people turn out to be the type of person that they promised they would *never* become....
How could you do this to me? After all we've been through together, after everything we did together. After everything. I just don't understand. I never have and I don't think I ever will.
I always said that you taught me what a true best friend was. And it was true. We were beyond the point of close and knew absolutely everything about each other. I could tell you absolutely anything and feel safe. We went through alot of things together, and always helped each other through them. I can think of quite a few occasions where I can honestly say that I don't know what I would have done without you. And I still have that friendship/thank you poem you wrote me, and the 5 page letter you wrote me when I was camp. We were practically inseparable. We could spend days together without ever fighting. We were as close as could be, and nothing could ever change that. Or so I thought.
You know, I've always heard that people change, that friendships change, etc. But I never thought it would happen to us. I really didn't. And especially not this drastically. Sure, I knew there was a possibility of us growing apart and not being quite as close, but I still thought we would remain friends. Little did I know how drastically you would change.
I don't even really know what happened. I have my guesses and speculations, but that isn't fair of me. What I do know is that you became a whole other person. I didn't even know you anymore. You became someone who said hurtful things, who made rude comments, who seemed to care more about herself then others, and who seemed to think she was better then other people. This shocked me. You were always such a kind and caring person. I noticed we were growing apart, and this scared me. More then you know.
I tried talking to you about us growing apart. And your response was "I've noticed it too, but I don't know what to do about it." It was like you didn't even care. I can't even begin to tell you how much that hurt me. After all we had been through together, I couldn't believe that you didn't care about our friendship. And this was only the beginning.
As time went on, you seemed to attack me. You said hurtful things about me, made rude comments about me, and definitely acted like you were better then me. You even jeopardized things for me. I couldn't believe you were doing this to me. I couldn't imagine what I had done to you. I really really couldn't. All I could think about was that there must of been something *I* did wrong.
You then started going through a hard time. And I tried to put the things you had done behind me, and help you. And boy did I try. And you accepted the help...or at least somewhat. But it still wasn't the same as it used to be. Our conversations were so strained. But still, it was amazing how you could talk to me when YOU needed the help. When I needed it, forget it.
You have this act now, that you put on. You make people think you're so perfect. You have everyone fooled. Adults think you are like the model student and person. I wish they could see what you put everyone through. I really really do.
To this day, you still hurt me. So much more then you know. Everytime you make one of your mean comments, or talk about me behind my back (and I hear it), or any time you just act like you're better. And the main reason this hurts me so much, is because I remember the way you used to be. I remember the way our friendship used to be. I remember the old you. I miss you. I really do.
I'm mad at you, and yet I still love you. There are days I want to kill you, yet I still care about you. And the thing is, I know that if something was going on, I KNOW I would still be there for you.....but would you for me?
I miss you. The real you.
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