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Ok, so I haven't really said much about all this stuff lately...because I felt like it wouldn't be fair to all the people involved and such, and because I really don't want to come across as a bitch. But I've recently decided, as of tonight really, that it doesn't matter. It's my life, it's my facebook, I can say what I want. Especially if its the truth, which it is.
So I started going to UNE with Mike. It was awesome, I met alot of cool people and made some new friends. I always enjoyed going over there, and actually spent quite alot of time there. It was alot of fun.
So I went home over Columbus Day Weekend, for the first time since I came to school. Going home was very hard for me, for numerous reasons. During this time, Chris and I started talking alot, like 6 hours a night. It was amazing. He was the best support system I could ever ask for, and I honestly don't think I would have gotten through that weekend without him. I really really don't. And somewhere in all of this, we became more then just friends.
I got back to USM on a Wednesday, and he came to visit me that night. While here, he officially asked me out, and we became a couple. I was happier then I thought I could ever be. We had this amazing connection, and I felt so incredibly lucky. We talked so much, about anything and everything. I felt like I could truly trust him, and that we could talk about anything, and honestly, we did. We talked about so much more then I usually talk about with people. It was truly amazing. He promised me that he would never hurt me, that he would always be there for me, and he would help me through my "issues." And although I can sometimes have a problem with trust, I let myself trust him, because he promised me I could.
So things went well for a while. I was so incredibly happy. I felt like it was truly the beginning of better things for me. I felt, for once, that things were really going to be ok. And he told me that they were, and like I had been doing, I believed him. That Sunday night, we went out to the movies. We had a really good time, and I absolutely loved being with him. I felt better then I had in a long time. He brought me back to USM and we hung out with Mel and Mike for awhile. He then left because he was tired. Which don't get me wrong, I did understand. He got back and texted me and said that he wasnt getting online because people were sleeping. And idk why, but he seemed off to me, and like he was short in his text and it was weird. So I asked if everything was ok. He said it was, but idk I wasn't convinced. I texted him later and said that if I did anything wrong I was sorry. He never answered me that night or the next morning, so I tried talking to him that afternoon. After we talked, I thought things were actually ok. Maybe not perfect, but at least ok.
I couldn't have been more wrong. He came over that night to bring Christina to get her computer from Mike. And he was acting all weird and such. We hung out for a bit, but it just wasn't like usual. When he got back to UNE, we talked online, and he proceeded to tell me that he doesn't like it when people think there is something wrong and there isn't, and that he didnt think we had the connection he thought we had. To be honest with you, this nearly killed me. I couldn't understand how one mistake could change so much. It just didn't make sense to me at all. I tried to explain to him what happened and why I felt that way and how sorry I was and how I would try to be better, etc. But it didn't work. He told me though that he wasn't breaking any of his promises, that he wasn't going anywhere, and that he would still help me. I didn't know whether to believe him or not, since I felt like he had already broken promises, but I decided to give it a try. I was wicked upset though, like beyond the point of upset. I left my room, and went down to the lounge where I completely lost it. As I was walking back to my room, my RA, Michol, saw me and asked me if I was ok. At that point, I lost it all over again. To say it wasn't a good night, would be a complete understatement.
The next day, I was still pretty much a wreck. I didn't go to class, and pretty much stayed in bed. Ann came to visit me, as she was having some issues of her own. We decided to go out to dinner, as it was something we both needed. While we were at dinner, my dad called me. Joanne, who I had become wicked close to since the accident, had died. She was like another grandmother to me. It was so upsetting to me to learn of this. I was pretty much in denial too, like I didn't even WANT to believe it. But I knew I had to.
On Wednesday night, Chris and I talked for the first time since the breakup. We both talked about how we felt, and I could see how much it differed. I didn't even know what to think, and actually I still don't. All I want is his friendship back, which he said we would have, but it hasnt happened yet.
I went to Rumford with Ann over the weekend. It was really good for me to get away and such. I won't say it made things perfect, but it def made them better. However, while I was there, I got a phone call that one of my friends' houses had burnt down, and the Happy Crab had had a fire as well. It was actually kinda scary to think about. While I was there, I sent Chris a message telling him that I was over the relationship, but what I really wanted was his friendship back.
So I came back to USM and things just seemed to go downhill once again. I was super stressed about absolutely everything, and just felt like I couldnt handle things. There had been 4 deaths of people I personally knew, and 2 more who I just knew who they were. There had been 2 fires. And of course the whole thing with Chris. Last night I felt like I was going to burst, and went to find Michol. We talked for awhile, and then she got her friend Ryan, who is another RA, to come talk as well. I felt a bit better after that, but still not that great. I came back and sent Chris a message, telling him that he had always been an amazing support, and that I needed that right now, as friends. I told him that if he thought it was too soon, I would respect that, but I just needed to know his opinion. He never answered me.
So today, Michol had me to talk to our RD, Beth. It felt good to talk to her too, and then she referred me to counseling, which I have an appointment for on Friday. Chris came online tonight. I asked him if he got my facebook message and what he thought of it. He said he didnt care one way or another. That kinda shocked me. He said he didnt mean it quite that way, but still. Then I told him that I thought I should leave him alone cuz it seems like that's what he'd rather, and he was just like, ok. I then told him that he was wrong, that he has left, that he isn't still there for me, and that promises had been broken. I then told him to have a good night. He never answered me, just went away. That upset me. All I want right now, is his friendship, and his support, and it seems like I can't even get that. And unfortunately, I need it now more then ever.
To top it all off, I have to go to Joanne's funeral on Thursday, which is something I don't know if I can handle. Its gonna be too hard. To see Les, to see everyone, and just blah. I know I'm gonna lose it. I'm not good with funerals, and I'm just not prepared for another one. I don't think I can handle this. I really don't. And I'm super stressed out with school and such, because things just arent going the way I need them too, and I've been sick and idk. I just feel way overwhelmed with everything, and honestly, I don't know what to do about it.
So yeah, thats been my life lately. Nice, eh?
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